Online Dating Chronicles: Message Writing 102


Lately, I haven’t been doing the online dating thing.  Sure, my profile is up there, but I’m not actively looking for a date.  Why? Various reasons, but mostly I just don’t feel like it.

Regardless, I still get messages.  A few of them good.  Most of them bad.  Clearly, some people need a little help.  Here are a few more tips.  Maybe they’ll work.  Maybe they won’t.  Nothing is guaranteed.  It’s not like you’re paying for this service!

  1. Can we talk?  “Do you want to chat?” I cannot tell you how many guys have sent me some variation of this message.  NO!  Just start conversing with me if you want to talk.  Don’t ask for permission.
  2. Nicknames are for 2nd dates.  Don’t use terms of endearment like honey, cutie pie or sweetie.  I don’t know you and you kind of made me barf in your first message.  Talk to me like I’m an adult.

  3. Term papers need not apply.  A few times I’ve gotten 30 page messages from guys.  OK, maybe not 30 pages, but at least 3 scroll downs.  Granted, you should write at least a few sentences, but I have a hard time believing that I inspired a dissertation on the movies and TV shows that you like as well as long walks on the beach.  That stinks of cut and paste.
  4. Grammar, spelling and punctuation…ever heard of it?  Most sites offer you the ability to write as much text as you like.  Look at the term paper advice above.  However, more often than not, you will get the lazy txt person msging you.  Yes, I left those letters out on purpose.  Now, you don’t have to know how to diagram a sentence, but at least know when to use you’re and your correctly.  And for goodness sakes, press the damn shift key at the beginning of your sentences!
  5. Want my digits?  Any guy who sends his phone number in the first message on a dating site is not to be trusted.  Cell phone numbers should be protected until you are sure the person is somewhat sane.  I don’t need to get a flurry of text message at 3:00 am because some strange guy suddenly feels “lonely”.

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