I can’t believe I’m about to drown myself in hormones. If I don’t get pregnant after putting myself through a month long PMS session, I’m giving up. That will literally be the limit of my sanity.
For the past year, we’ve been trying to get me pregnant. Every month, my period starts and the disappointment washes over my soul. By now though, I’m numb to it. This hormone thing is our last attempt. If it doesn’t work, then we’ll probably not have kids…at least I won’t be giving birth.
There’s no way we’re spending thousands of dollars to figure out why I can’t get pregnant or attempt to get me pregnant just to have it fail. I’m not a fan of in-vitro or any other expensive and frustrating measures that might get me pregnant. I’m afraid of what they might do to me or a fetus. These hormone pills are the limit for me.
The doctors can’t determine what might be wrong. My progesterone is a bit low (which is why I’m trying to supplement it), but it’s still in the healthy range. Other than that, there’s nothing unusual. It’s fucking frustrating.
I just hate how much pressure there is on me. I have to take the damn pills. I have to take the damn vitamins. I have to track my symptoms. I have to pee on goddamn sticks for a week to see when I might ovulate. What does my husband have to do? Have sex with me.
Did I ovulate? Probably. Sure, my hormone levels fluctuate as they should. The sticks I pee on tell me that. But after I see the solid smiley face when do I actually ovulate? No one knows. It could be in a few hours. It could be in two days. Either way, I’m always wrong.
What’s really annoying is that I get my damn period like there’s nothing wrong with me. It’s not fair. If I can’t have kids, why the fuck do I still have to menstruate so damn regularly? OK, It’s not that bad. I mean it’s just uncomfortable, it’s not so bad that I can’t go to work, but still, I’d rather go without if it’s completely pointless to have it in the first place.
I haven’t been writing about this “wonderful” journey because I just wasn’t ready to share it with the world. I had to get past that I might encounter receiving fake pity or being scrutinized because of my age or being judged as a failure according to ridiculous social norms that aren’t very normal.
At this point, I just want something definitive. I want to be told, no you’ll never have kids or to finally get pregnant and have a baby. I’m sick of the limbo. I want to get on with my life.
Why am I writing about it now? Because I think not writing about it has been causing my writer’s block. Maybe someone out there is going through the same thing. Maybe they’ll read this and feel better because they see someone else being frustrated and confused too.
Hell, I just want to get back into writing regularly.
Yes, me too. I did the hormone pills and it was so stressful. Some of them delay your period and make you think you’re pregnant. There was one where my body thought it was pregnant. I even had all the indicators, only for my period to start anyway. We gave up this past December. Then I started finding people having the same issues. The whole “Unexplained Infertility.” It is a comfort that others deal with this on a regular basis.
I understand what you’re going through. I’m not sure when it gets better. There are a lot of unknowns, concerns, regrets… But I’ve had to teach myself that I can’t regret something that wasn’t meant to be. I still find myself thinking, “When I have children, this or that will happen,” and then I have to remind myself that it was never an option to begin with.
And that’s okay. It will be okay.
A search for Lego info brought me to your site but started reading and found the ‘getting pregnant’ part of your blog.
Almost 22 years ago I was kind of in the same place. After 8 IVF treatments (don’t even get me started on the almost 5 years that led up to it) I had drawn a solid line. One more and that would be it. It might have been written in the stars. And even at the time when my period should have begun, there was spotting and I was sure it was going to be a ‘no go’. But a quick rushed appointment with my specialist and she told me that my HCG level was 6 although for it to have been in the two week mark, she “would have liked it at least 12”. I spent the next week in bed (just to be sure), but violá, I WAS PREGNANT.
I won’t go into all the gory details, including premature labor at Week 24, but finally, it was meant to be.
And now, almost 22 years ago (June 30), my baby boy was born. Absolutely perfect in every way. My miracle baby.
I share this story, as an internet hug from one who had struggles to one who is struggling. I won’t tell you not to worry, but I honestly believe that by internally accepting what I thought to be fate, maybe the stress was a little lower, or it was just meant to be. Think positive thoughts and I will send you some of mine as well.