I’d rather be cleaning something in the apartment than running mindlessly on a treadmill for 20 minutes. But, as I get older, I realize that I need to move a little more. I’m tired of huffing and puffing to get up a flight of stairs.
What I really need to do is find a new way to self medicate. When I get sad or depressed, I want a cookie or piece of cake. Sugar is my Zoloft. Luckily, I don’t have a problem with binge eating. I can’t imagine eating an entire box of cookies in one sitting. I’d probably puke. It takes me an entire week to eat a cake.
Also, my mindset needs work. I have a bad habit of not thinking positively about myself. It’s gotten better over the years, but once in a while I hear myself thinking, “Ugh. I’m so fat.” I see candid pictures of myself and cringe.
That negative thinking dates back to puberty. I remember thinking I was fat when I was in the 6th grade. 6th grade! Isn’t that nuts? I wasn’t fat. It was all in my mind.
Even when I was a senior in high school, I thought I was fat. If I had that body right now, I’d be skinny. My fears were playing evil tricks on me. I fell into really bad thinking patterns, but I’ve been slowly getting control of my thoughts. I’ve had decades of poor thinking habits. It’s not going to change over night, but they are changing.
I do know that the act of paying attention to what I’m eating and doing will cause me to lose weight. I’ve done it before. I made myself go for walks when I worked in downtown Sacramento. I tracked what I ate, but I wasn’t on a diet. I was just aware of what I was doing. I was changing my mind.
I know it’s helped me be a healthier person. Sure, I fall back into bad habits sometimes. I eat too many sweets whenever the winter blues attack, but I’m not going to punish myself for having a few dark moments of the soul.
It’s not that I’m working on a New Year’s resolution. I’m working on changing my habits as a whole. I want to be healthier. It’s a long term process that no fad diet will help. Plus, Paul and I are going to try and have kids in the next six months, so I want to be healthy when I get pregnant or at least healthier. I almost always seem to have a plan even if it’s only 12 percent of a plan.