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>I am so frustrated with my love life I can’t take it anymore. If I am meant to be alone then could God just make me happy about it? Why do I long for companionship if I am meant to wander this earth alone? Why can’t I be happy with the way things are? Why must all of my love be unrequited?

Plus, why are we even here? I always have this “why even bother” voice in the back of my mind. You know, the whole, “what’s it all about? Why go on? What does it all mean?” That’s usually when I go home, drink too much, cry my eyes out, and fall asleep. I am sick of this pattern of existing. I want to be at peace. I am so frustrated and lonely and I hate it. I can feel the knot of sadness in my chest. Sitting at work while this is happening is never a good thing. I can’t cry my eyes out here. I have to wait until I get into the safety of my home.

I want to run outside and throw something, punch something, kick something until all this ugly energy is out of me.

All I want is for a guy to be there when I wake up from a nightmare, bring me back into reality. I want someone with whom I can have dinner at home. I don’t want a guy to rescue me. I want someone who will share life with me. I don’t need someone to pay my bills. I need someone to hang out with. It seems as though I have this pattern of meeting guys who are not available. I only seem to be attracted to men who either are already attached or have no interest in me, although most of the time both of those criteria are in effect.

Maybe the problem I have comes from my search for the meaning of life being entangled with my search for companionship…

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