>Just trying to make the world a happier place. Four tips for online dating profiles that you won’t use.

>I’d like to thank Charlie Sheen for making my online search for a date that much easier.  References to the various catchphrases (for lack of a better term) he spewed in the 20/20 interview streamlines the process of weeding out the boring guys.  While I don’t have a problem with someone borrowing one liners that someone else created, I do judge a person by their choice of said one liner.

And while we’re on the subject of boring profiles, can I pass along a few tips to those out there who are looking for love?  First, show don’t tell.  It’s a basic rule of writing you should have learned in the 6th grade like I did. Need an example?

  • “I’m honest.” Oh really?  Honest people don’t tell everyone they are honest.  How you behave will show your honesty.

  • “I’m intelligent/smart.” because you dont use punctuation or spel anything right i dont beleive you

  • “I’m not very good at describing myself.” Then pay someone to do it.  If you don’t say something, how do you expect anyone to contact you?  Every other profile has this written in it’s “About Me” section. Why don’t you just say, “I’m too lazy and boring to think of something interesting to say.  Sorry to waste your time.”
  • “I have a great sense of humor.” No, you don’t.  If you did, you would have read my profile and been overcome with laughter resulting in a message to me saying the same.
  • “I’m outgoing.” No, you’re not.  If you were you would be able to get a date without the aid of a website.  Believe me, I speak from experience.
  • “I’m funny.” Again, if you have to tell me you’re funny, I have to tell you you’re not.  I also know you’re not funny because I almost fell asleep reading your profile.  In fact, I’ve had more laughs from a geology class.
  • “I’m nice.”  Good lord, I hope not.  I think you are confusing manners and politeness with being nice.  There is no room for nice people in the world of dating.  Nobody wants someone who is nice.  Respectful and polite, of course, but nice? Wednesday mornings are nice, but no one gets excited about them.

Second, for the love of all that’s holy, don’t describe your physical appearance!  This is 2011 not 1985.  All websites let you upload these things called photos.  Your phone probably will allow you to take a photo of your reflection in the bathroom mirror, so you can upload it.  Saying you have blue eyes and brown hair is ridiculous and wasting time.  We also know that chemistry is important.  If it weren’t, I would already be married and so would you.

Third, if you find yourself stuck about what to say, pretend you are talking to someone.  Write as though that person were in the room with you and you were telling them about some personality quirk, endearing behavior or interesting anecdote.  Still need an example?  How about a quote from Legally Blonde from Elle Woods, “…last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.”

Fourth, and I cannot stress this enough, write a rough draft first.  Pull up a Word doc or blank email and just let the thoughts flow.  Then go back and clean up all the stuff you just said to put it in a nice neat package.

Now, I’m not going to guarantee success if you follow these four steps, and I really question why you are even taking my advice, but I do hope that the quality of your dates increases exponentially.

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