>Rockstar: Supernova

>I avoided (boycotted) this show when it was on last year. But now they have Gilby Clarke, Jason Newstead, and the irrepressible Tommy Lee. Now, I have to watch this train wreck.

Brooke Burke trots out in some shiny sheath. They show the 15 so-called rockers. She gives us the skinny on the last wannabe whose Cinderella story came true. Then they show some forgetful bit about how awesome Supernova is going to be. I enjoy the fact that they already have the tracks laid down, now they just need someone to fit the Johnny Bravo suit.

Questions: Gilby Clarke, if Supernova is not a heavy metal band, then what is it? All three of the current members are from heavy metal bands… Does that mean that Supernova is a folk trio?

Who did Dave Navarro sleep with to get on this show? Note to Dave Navarro – All your bands played at the Hard Rock Hotel AFTER their haydays. Just trying to keep it real.

Who the hell is Butch Walker? What has he produced? SR-71? He’s no Mutt Lange, I’m sure.

Ok, on to the wannabe’s. Here are my thoughts, random as they can be.

Storm Large – Unless you’re parents are hippies, no one is buying that as your real name. Her voice doesn’t do much for me and she’s a little manic on the stage, but it sounds like she can carry a tune. Interesting song choice, the Who’s Pinball Wizard. Definitely get points for that. I would have enjoyed a Lita Ford tune though.

Ryan Star – yet another fake name. Poor song choice, dude. I fucking hate the Goo Goo Dolls. Only posers would ever sing that lame ass song. The audience is just happy to be near Tommy Lee’s penis. Otherwise they would have boo’d your ass off the stage.

Toby Rand – An Aussie, always good. Unfortunately, he sings a song that is not only acoustic, but one I’m sure Gilby Clarke never wants to hear again. I know I don’t. Thank God for Tivo. I can skip over your shitty song.

Patrice Pike – What the hell? Jefferson Airplane? You can’t take on that song with that lame voice. Have you heard Grace Slick’s version? Go home and download it on iTunes. Then hang your head in shame for butchering a classic.

The judges have yet to say anything bad. Gimme a break! Don’t be all Paula Abdul.

Magni – Bald as Moby, but sings worse. I don’t care if you are big in Iceland. Wow, the judges actually said something negative. Deservedly so. I’ve heard drunken karaoke versions of Satisfaction that were better than what that dude just sang. Plus, if you can’t throw the rock sign correctly, you can’t be in a rock band.

Zayra Alvarez – Finally someone with a real name. Good freaking God! No Evanessance, Effervescence or whatever the hell it is! I don’t care if you do latin it up. Some shitty music cannot be saved.

Jenny Galt – A Canadian doing Nickleback. Why don’t you hook up with the geek who just sang that Goo Goo Dolls song. You two would be a great couple, lame as hell.

Josh Logan – Reminds me of a young, sober Scott Weiland. Everyone loves a Black Crowes song.

Matt Hoffer – Coldplay? I think I actually saw the guy’s testosterone dip lower as he sang that pussy song. Tommy Lee looked bored. Not a good sign. He’ll sleep with your girlfriend for making him listen to that gay ass song.

Dilana – What kind of world do I live in where I get pissed off because someone is singing a Nirvana song and butchering it?

Dana Andrews – The Maddona gloves are a nice touch, but singing Melissa Etheridge and wearing black does not make you a rockstar. Go home and try out for American Idol.

Phil Ritchie – Once a geek, always a geek. Did you watch Airheads and get inspired by Brendan Fraiser’s character? Dude, Corey Glover and Vernon Reid are going to kick your ass for screwing up their song.

Jill Gioia – Again, listen to the damn song before you attempt to sing Janis.

Chris Pierson – Baseball player to rocker? Interesting, but that’s a long way to go and you can’t even give us a good karoke version of Roxanne. Gilby Clarke and Dave Navarro just burned you on national television.

Lukas Rossi – This guy actually looks like a rocker. Plus he gets points for singing Billy Idol. The problem is that the band was drowning out his voice. He makes up for it with stage presence though. Can we just give it to this guy right now? Tommy Lee agrees with me.

I predict the Icelandic dude and the baseball player get kicked off.

2 thoughts on “>Rockstar: Supernova

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge