Online Dating Chronicles: I’m a fool.

I’m an idiot. Deep down inside, I’m just like all those dumb women who do dumb things in pursuit of a relationship.

I hate myself for it. I’m smarter than that, but I was lonely and had just had my heart broken…again. You would think by now I’d be an expert on dealing with a broken heart, but I seem to keep finding new ways to get my heart broken.

This time it was all my fault. This guy told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. Did I listen? Not really. A stupid part of me thought, “Oh maybe he’ll change his mind.” No, of course he didn’t. He warned me, but I was too dumb and too numb to listen. So, when he innocently said something about looking for a woman to date (not me obviously), I freaked out.

I wish I could be one of those people who can date multiple people at a time. I’m not. I can only focus on one guy at a time. ┬áLife would probably be easier if I cared less about the guys I date or quasi-date or am attracted to, but I’m not a man. I’m a goddamn woman who isn’t crazy enough to be in a relationship. I really think I need to up the batshit crazy side of my personality. It’s there lurking beneath this thin veneer of sanity I struggle to maintain.

What I want, what I think all women want, is the delusion that a guy just wants her and no one else. My jealous side and poor self-esteem wants to believe that a guy could fall for me enough to never want any other woman. It has never happened and will never happen. I need to stop kidding myself.

I feel like that about guys all the time, until they disappear, break my heart or do something stupid. It’s ridiculous of me to think a man could ever feel anything for me. I need to stop being stupid even if it’s fun while it lasts. I guess I should be glad it doesn’t last very long or cost me more than emotional grief.

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